Comfydown Cottage

Address Witheld

Carryduff

20.2.04

Dear Marks & Spencer,

After a busy days shopping in Belfast City Centre I was feeling rather peckish, so I called at one of your stores for some sustenance.  A sandwich I thought- that’d do the trick.  Ah, but what type of sandwich?

  I’m not the ‘smoked salmon’ or ‘Prawn and Avocado’ type. Even Cheese and Ham is a bit exotic for me, but I do like a good ‘Jam’ sandwich.  So I searched the shelves for your jam sandwiches but had no luck.  Odd, I thought; my family was brought up on these; surely there’s a market for them.  I wandered around the food aisles in vain.  I located one of your young men to ask him their whereabouts.  Imagine my disbelief when he revealed there were no jam sandwiches and never have been.  I stood there, motionless, open mouthed, feeling my anger slowly take over my body as this most disturbing information sank in.  The store manager then confirmed the bad news. Smiling he was. He then made an attempt at an apology. I got them both by their ear-lobes, spun them round and made them apologise to everyone else; loud enough so that even those at the back of the store could hear.

Please Marks & Spencer, surely there is room in your store for one of the most popular of sandwiches or is Marks & Spencer really above this humble fare?  Have you removed yourselves from the taste buds of the Belfast people? Perhaps you just want the common, Belfast, jam-breathed riff-raff to go elsewhere.

It’s time to go back to our roots.  The Belfast people demand a new range of sandwiches:

The Jam sandwich (or The Strawberry Preserve Sandwich if you want to ‘posh it up’ as you probably would)

The Brown Sauce sandwich

The Sugar Sandwich (The Demerara Delight)

The Salad Cream sandwich

The Beef Dripping sandwich

You could call them ‘Ma's range'. I want them in your store sharpish or i'll be back! 

Yours Sincerely,

John J Marley