BAKERY

Comfydown Cottage

Address withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

 

13/9/06

Dear Irwins Bakery,                                                                                                    

My wife Gloria (I’m her husband) is a keen baker.  Indeed she once worked in a bakery and she says it was the best job she ever had.  Unfortunately she was sacked from this job due to her incapacity.  She had chronic dermatitis that was viewed as a health hazard.  She took her employers to a tribunal for unfair dismissal but their council argued that the only way she could continue to work for them was if they included ‘skin’ as an ingredient.  I thought this was a reasonable solution but apparently their council was being sarcastic. Gloria lost.

Anyway, she had four good years working for them (her dermatitis wasn’t discovered as she was in charge of the coconut fingers) and is now actively looking for work in the bakery sector again.

 

Do you make all your operatives wear those funny hats?  Gloria used to find they made her psoriasis worse.  If she was excused from wearing one she is confident her scratching could be kept to a minimum resulting in less hair in the dough. Everyone’s a winner.

 

One of her other bakery problems is that the faintest smell of yeast makes her throw up. I don’t want to exaggerate this problem as she usually hits her bucket (she keeps one by her side at all times—clearly labelled ‘Vomit’).  In fact, in her four years of bakery work, she only threw up in the dough three times and she was only caught once.

Another problem of hers is that flour makes her sneeze uncontrollably. You don’t need to worry about this as she now wears a little peg over her nose to prevent inhalation.  It makes her sound like Lesley Garret on helium and can really rile some people but at least you won’t have to pass off your bread rolls as cheesy bread rolls like they did in her last job.  Gloria indeed sneezed so much one time that she fell into the machinery.  On her hospital bed she joked through bandages and wired-up jaw that the bakery ‘kneaded’ her more than me.  But that’s just Gloria.  What a trooper!

 

If you have no operative positions available then Gloria could still be of service.  You see, Gloria cooks her own bread and cakes and has come up with some truly magnificent concoctions.  The current favourite is a ‘chocolate and goat muffin’ that needs to be tasted to be believed.  Our local butcher, Mr Postlethwaite, has a display of Gloria’s bread and cakes.  People queue up to get their hands on her buns and her bloomers are a sight to behold.  She swears by a secret ingredient that only Gloria can provide.  I’ll not tell you what it is yet, in case it puts you off/ makes you throw up, but it really sets them apart from the competition.

 

Anyway, Gloria could be a real asset to your company in more ways than one and I was wondering if there was any way you feel you could make use of her.

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

John J Marley

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