Comfydown Cottage

Address withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

Dear Your Majesty

My wife Gloria, I’m her husband, was just saying the other night whilst we were having our Ovaltine that you never seem to get a break. This got us thinking.  There you are always thinking of others, inviting them to the palace for garden parties and stuff and no one would ever think of returning the favour. That’s where we come in. If you were free on October 14th (it’s a Saturday so you’re probably not working) we would love to have you and your husband for a ‘garden party’ at our humble house. I know the weather is normally a bit dodgy in October but we have an old ridge tent from when Gloria was in the Girl Guides and at a pinch it will hold 4 fully grown adults, so we would have somewhere to shelter.

I know it’s a bit presumptuous but Gloria has already checked easyJet and the flights are only £19.99 each way plus tax. The flight comes into Aldergrove about 10.00 am and we could collect you in our Austin Maxi. I have made a Royal Standard flag from an old cornflakes box and coloured it in with felt tipped pens. At a distance it looks pretty good. I’d better let you know that our dog Rambo will be with us and as long as you just sit there and let him lick your hair he shouldn’t bite. If we didn’t bring him he would shit all over the garden and you don’t want to tread in that. Anyway I digress.

Gloria has gone through her collection of pastry cutters and has found a crown and a west highland terrier.  I know it’s not a corgi but if we trim a few bits off here and there it should suffice. So we are planning to make crown shaped vol au vents filled with beans and condensed mushroom soup, little cocktail sausages, cheese and pickle on sticks and some fish paste sandwiches. To finish we will serve some shortbread in the shape of corgis.

We thought long and hard about music. Should we go ‘live’ or just use records. In the end we decided on recorded music. I have made a very long extension lead for our Ferguson radiogram and have an impressive selection of ‘Royal’ related tunes. Nat King Cole, Prince and of course Queen, so do let us know your favourite track. Gloria likes ‘Fat Bottom Girls’- not that she’s a lesbian or anything.

I should also mention we have invited a few friends to join us on the day. One of these is our neighbour Bertie Noames.  Unfortunately he is very anti royal but loves a good party. We’ll point him out when you arrive so if you could pretend to be Gloria’s sister things should pass off without incident.

So hopefully well see you on the 14th then. If this date doesn’t suit we’re fairly flexible, just let us know a few dates that do. By the way please don’t bring too much luggage as the suspension on the Maxi is going and also can you avoid crowns and sceptres and stuff as our house insurance would not cover you.

Remember that you need photographic ID for easyJet. So looking forward to meeting you both.

Your obedient servant

John J Marley