THE STORMONT GUARD--Northern Ireland Secretary Of State


Address Withheld




Dear Peter Hain,


You might remember me from the last time I wrote.  I was suggesting a ponytail amnesty where men could bring their ponytails into the nearest Police station without fear of prosecution.  I don’t know what I was thinking; however I’m sure you’ll like my new idea.


Isn’t it great news that we’ll all be supporting the Police?  With this development Northern Ireland can only go from strength to strength.  Our politicians at Stormont will finally get down to work and our economy should benefit with the extra tourists heading this way.  With Stormont and tourism in mind I’ve come up with a smart, new PSNI uniform for those policing the grounds at Stormont.

  It’s loosely based on the Swiss Guard at the Vatican and the Greek Guard (in Greece) but you’ll notice the colours reflect both traditions within our community.

The Stormont Guard© Marley


Only the Crème de la crème of the PSNI could carry this off but their reputation could only be enhanced in this smart but practical uniform.  There could be a changing of the guard routine twice a day- just think of the crowds that that would pull in.  They could act just like the Buckingham Palace Guards and have no facial expressions even when taunted.  People could go right up to their faces and call them anything (they should be used to that) and they wouldn’t react (this might need a little getting used to).


Might I also suggest a little dance during the ‘Changing of the Guard’, something between an Irish dance and Orange march? (done in a classy, dignified way if possible).  I can just see the tourists snapping away at this spectacle.

My wife Gloria (I’m her husband) has just pointed out that this is a unisex outfit with all the savings that should bring.  If any of the PSNI men object to wearing this uniform, point out to them that the Scots Guards wear a kilt not too dissimilar to this and I’ve never heard anyone laugh at the Greek Guards.


I would like you to give this your utmost consideration (you know it makes sense) and get back to me with your thoughts.  Remember, the public want a highly visible Police presence and you can’t get much more visible than this.


Yours Sincerely,




John J Marley


Stormont Guard Reply