Comfydown Cottage

Address Withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

23/5/2006

Dear Movie House Cinema manager,

My wife Gloria and I (I’m her husband) belong to a Church called the ‘Church of the Seven Spleens’. We would like to come and set up a picket outside your cinema and were wondering what night would suit you. 

The Church was formed by a neighbour of ours ‘Bertie Noames’.  It is a small but growing church (at least until the next inevitable split anyway).  We have decided to take great offence to the casual use of the word ‘WATER’ which we are well informed is uttered several times during the remake of the film ‘Poseidon’, a film that is soon to be shown at your cinema.  You see, our prophet, Walter Peek, uttered this word on his deathbed and it is now regarded as being a holy word and never to be spoken.  Walter got better but we feel it is still a holy word.

We managed to get several titles at our local Xtra-Vision video shop removed for this reason including ‘Watership Down’, ‘Waterworld’, and ’Whatever Became of the Likely Lads’.  This last title, as well as the films ‘Rainman’ and ‘Splash’ were removed due to Bertie’s guerrilla tactics where he refused to bring his membership card on a regular basis and bumped into the crisp stand on his way out (often dislodging several packets of crisps). Xtra-Vision was forced to give in to his demands. Gloria and I felt Bertie was being a little too radical. Gloria said she could feel it in her water that another split was on its way- a remark that cost her dearly.

Anyhow, what night suits?

John J Marley

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