KELLOGG'S

Comfydown Cottage

Address Withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

Dear Mr Kellogg

 

My wife Gloria and I, I’m her husband, are very fond of your considerable range of breakfast products. Our cupboards are full of Rice Krispies, Frosties, Coco Pops, Special K and Fruit ‘n’ Fibre. We bought a box of All Bran once but my god it’s like eating a mattress and your bowl never seems to empty. Of course we always have a healthy stock of Corn Flakes too which brings me to my point.

 

You see Gloria is very fond of, how do I put this, some hanky panky of a morning. I’m more an evening person but make hay eh. She would frequently sit across from me and suggestively eat breakfast. Seductively eating her cereal off the spoon allowing a little milk to dribble down her chins. Erotically licking her Marmite off her toast and how she dips her soldiers into her soft-boiled egg would turn your head. So to my point.

 

You see we were thinking it would a great idea if you ‘pepped up’ your products, make them a bit more adult. We reckon that suggestively shaped flakes of corn perhaps like boobs and willies would liven up manys an adult’s breakfast time. Gloria suggested that you could call them ‘Porn Flakes’, package them in a plain brown box and put them on the top shelf. You could get a famous porn star to endorse them.  He/she could say something like ‘New Porn Flakes, I just love going down for breakfast’.

 

We chatted about this to our neighbours Bertie Noames and his wife Nancy and they said they would buy them for sure. However Nancy wasn’t sure about the top shelf position. She reckons she couldn’t let go of her zimmer to stretch up. Let us know what you think. Gloria also suggested a puffed rice product shaped like sperm but really I think this is in bad taste. We look forward to your reply.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

John J Marley