Comfydown Cottage

Address Withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

North Down Grain Ltd

16 Tullykevin Rd

Greyabbey

Newtownards

BT22 2NB

Dear North Down Grain Ltd:

I was watching my favourite Police Academy movie (the fifth one) late one night, when something caught my eye out of the living room window.  It was my neighbour, Bertie Noames, walking his cat.  Nothing unusual there, so I went back to my movie.  It was during the hilarious part when Lieutenant Lassard and the man with the funny voice were grappling with each other that I noticed another movement from outside.  It was Bertie again, returning home with his cat.  But after the film was over, when I was getting ready for bed, I noticed a dark shadow from across the street.  It was tip-toeing around, sliding along walls and rolling under cars.  I confronted the shadow, wearing a black all-in-one (him not me.  I was in my white pyjamas with the blue stripes and a pair of red crushed velvet slippers- the velvet is crushed not the slippers) and attached to the end of the shadow was Walter Peek Snr.  He had his face greased up and corn was falling from his pockets. Anyway, Walter claims he hasn’t slept at night since his court case ended and was just out stretching his legs.  He said he would use the corn to find his way home and said the grease was for a skin condition.  So my suspicions were allayed.

Just to let you know, Walter Peek Snr, 87, has gone a bit strange since his old elderly wife Gretta passed away.  She was dancing with Walter at a wedding when, ironically, her heart packed in during the song ‘Young at heart’.  Not long after, Walter was given an ASBO for feeding the pigeons in Carryduff.  I don’t know if you read about it but Walter claims the pigeons were of “great help during the war and people should remember that”.  Anyway, I got talking to him for quite some time and by the end of our conversation he ‘persuaded’ me to contact you.  Walter wants to know if you can deliver corn to a private address and what would be the minimum order.  He hasn’t stated what he wants it for but he swears it’s not illegal.  This coming from a Peek should be taken with a pinch of salt, however.  I know Walter’s son, Walter, quite well.  He is currently selling house alarms under the effective advertisement ‘Buy a Peek Alarm - if you don’t, a serial killer might just walk in off the street’. I can get you 10% off if you’re interested.  Walter specialises in fitting the alarm system while you are at work so there’s no need to take time off.  He doesn’t even need a key.

Anyway, he claims he has a receptacle that would be ideal for corn storage and would like to know the cost of filling it.  It’s about a hundredth the size of an Olympic swimming pool, if you can picture that.  It’s about an 80^th the length of a football pitch and a 200^th the height of the Eiffel Tower deep if that helps, and if every Chinaman was a kernel of popcorn, Walter reckons the world would be a better place (he says he had a dodgy Chinese meal once and blames all one billion of them).  No one argues with Walter.  He also doesn’t like the Italians, the Greeks or the English for the same reason (he had a full English breakfast once that didn’t agree with him).  Please could you state if you deliver to private addresses and how much it would be to fill the receptacle?

Yours Sincerely,

John J Marley