Comfydown Cottage

Address Withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

5/3/2009

Dear General Medical Council

For the last few weeks my wife Gloria (I’m her husband) has seemed a little ‘off colour’. This is normally quite difficult to determine but she’s going through a moult at the minute and there’s much more skin on view than normal.

She went to our GP, Doctor Slevin Mostracollum. He managed to tranquilise her and take a blood sample, told her that she was low in iron and prescribed some drugs for her. When she brought these tablets home I was intrigued to find out just how much iron they would contain. I hunted around in the attic for the ‘Big Boys Box of Scientific Discoveries (expurgated version), to see if I still had a magnet that would help me determine the ferrous content of her prescription.

After several hours rummaging I found it under the crate that contains the remains of all of Gloria’s many childhood pets including Timmy the Tortoise. Timmy had in fact seven legs, two heads and lived to the age of four, which I understand is not particularly old for such an animal. Perhaps Gloria and her brother Algernon using him as a door jamb aided his demise. Anyway I digress. Imagine my astonishment when I found my magnet and after holding it over the tablets not a single pill was attracted to it. Clearly there was no iron at all in these tablets.

I decided I would have to increase the amount of iron in Gloria’s diet and get her back on form. I spent most of last Friday fortnight ago with a big file and one of Gloria’s old pressure cookers. I managed to grind it down into filings and have filled several Tupperware boxes. Since then I’ve been slipping a spoonful or two into all of Gloria’s meals. Unfortunately things actually seem to be getting worse for her. Her hair has started to turn bright red and she looks like that ourangatan Clive from the Clint Eastwood film. Her urine has also started to leave stains that look like rust on our toilet bowl. And just yesterday she complained that her joints were getting very stiff. Having said that, a quick squirt of WD40 seemed to put that right. Could you let me know if I should continue or refrain from this treatment as I do have concerns for her well being.

By the way I notice that you are a General . My great uncle John was in the army as well. When I say army he actually played second euphonium for the local Salvation Army. Not quite the same I guess but well done you.

Yours sincerely