Comfydown Cottage

Address Withhelde

Carryduff

Belfast

Dear Stelios,

I was at the funeral of our postman recently (my neighbour Walter Peek was the last to see him and asked me if I’d come along).  It wasn’t the most lavish of funerals but I wondered how much the whole thing cost.  I did some research and was amazed to discover the whole thing, including a fake postbag, cost over a £1000.

Just as his wife was singing a chorus of ‘You Were The Wind Beneath My Wings’, one of your planes flew overhead and I had the idea that burials could be given the ‘Easy’ treatment.  By the time his wife had finished her version of ‘Wait A Minute Mr Postman’ I had the whole thing sorted out in my head.

Here’s what we do: We need to set up a ‘no-frills’ burial service.  Undertakers dressed in luminous orange suits bury the dead in luminous orange coffins.  The coffin itself could be made of corrugated cardboard.  I suggest this should retail at around £9.95 * (*£2 reduction if booked online).

There should be offers made during the summer when business is slow (2 for the price of one etc) and as with most businesses these days there’s plenty of money to be made with add-ons, like luminous orange plastic flowers etc.  The bereaved could also be given the option of having the coffin carried or dragged, with a £4 surcharge for carrying it.

An Inflatable headstone should suffice for all but the pickiest and we could even complete the epitaph depending on the dead person’s occupation/ hobby etc.  The postman had simply ‘Returned To Sender’.  Pure class.

I know the Easy brand is all about efficiency and I got to thinking.  Does the person really need to be buried 6 feet deep? I think 3 feet should be enough.  Or don’t even bury them at all.  I watched a western film the other day where the dead chap just had stones piled on top of him.  Would this be legal in this country/century?

Anyway tell me what you think.

Yours sincerely,

John J Marley

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