Comfydown Cottage

Address Withheld

Carryduff

Belfast

1/8/2007

Dear Coors,

I’ll come straight to the point- my wife Gloria (I’m her husband) has been concocting recipes for many years now. She is the third generation of her family to be heavily involved with food. Her grandmother opened Ireland’s first non-traditional fish & chip shop in 1928 and her mother is most famous for opening the first ‘Camel Tripe’ shop in Belfast in 1973. So Gloria has been desperate to become famous for something food related to continue the tradition. Her mother also closed the first Camel Tripe shop in Belfast in 1973 and was famously hung up and pelted with her tripe but whether ‘good fame’ or ‘bad fame’, it’s still fame.

For many years Gloria has been producing her various concoctions from the Garage. Countless smells sweep through the neighbourhood, smoke belches occasionally from under the garage door and the odd swear word is heard above the din of ‘Strawberry Switchblade- The Platinum Collection’. And still she goes on, day after day, night after night. Her efforts are usually only fit for the rabbit and often not even Fluffy can stomach it (Fluffy The Third quite literally couldn’t stomach it when the organ itself was thrown up. It’s now Fluffy XXXII— 32 rabbits in 12 years).

She’s had to put up with a lot- a lack of success, her rabbits dying all the time, and complaints from the neighbours. Our neighbour Bertie Noames has threatened to have her prosecuted for causing a nuisance (Bertie has connections with the Police apparently). And this from a man I gave half my liver to. He’s been a thorn in my side for many years now- I even gave him some of my chips and ketchup-- the ungrateful git.

Anyway, I’ll get to the point. None of this has stopped Gloria- bless her stubborn rabbit fur socks. She has persevered and has finally come up with something of use. We were on our way back from the bar last month when everything changed. Gloria had just been barred for playing Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas’ 20 times a night on the jukebox. I’m afraid Gloria’s Obsessive-compulsive disorder meant it had to be played precisely 20 times on each visit and there was no stopping her. After 7 months and a customer revolt (which made the local news) they finally barred her.

Anyway again- Gloria stopped off at the shop for an isotonic sports drink to stave off our hangovers and on the way out she had that ‘eureka’ moment. Instead of taking an isotonic sports drink after a night boozing to re-hydrate why not incorporate the two and have an ‘Isotonic Sports Beer’? She upped her pace and was soon back in the garage, mixing and pouring, shaking and stirring. She has come up with what I would call a sure fire winner. It is both refreshing and hydrating and I never thought I’d say this but it tastes rather nice.

I’m positive this is going to be the next big thing. Are you interested?

Yours Sincerely,

John J Marley

COORS REPLY