| BREVILLE TOASTER |
Comfydown Cottage Carryduff
I was at home with my wife Gloria (I’m her husband) the other day and we were having a conversation whilst I watched the TV. Gloria was talking about her deceased mother’s old recipe book that she had just found. She was rambling on and on and apparently said ‘don’t throw this out under any circumstances’, but all I heard was ‘throw this out’. You see I was watching one of my favourite programmes on espionage, ‘Spy In The Ointment’, and as I’m sure you’ve heard, men can’t multifunction. Gloria wasn’t happy- I vowed to find it.
I noticed a couple of interesting things on the local landfill site. A near-by neighbour of mine, Walter Peek, was taking great care to bury some things. But the most interesting thing came later. The sun reflecting off the cover of a glossy magazine distracted me. It was as if a light was drawing me there. I picked it up and couldn’t believe it when I discovered it was a copy of my favourite magazine, ‘The Official Water Treatment and Sewage Monthly’. I was even more amazed to discover it was the one missing copy from my collection- the one my dead postman didn’t deliver. How fortunate. But I’m digressing.
There was something underneath it- one of your toasters, looking almost new. Why would someone throw this out? Breville is a highly reliable manufacturer so I thought it unlikely it was broken. The only thing wrong with it was a dent on one side and a little blood on one corner. It was hardly a reason to throw it out, so I took it home.
For a few weeks it made the most wonderful toasted products. Our local butcher, Mr Postlethwaite, just loved Gloria’s ‘Raspberry and Sheep’s Bladder Toasted Muffins’. Life was good then and we felt your toaster had played its part. But then things took a turn for the worse.
Your toaster started writing messages to us- things like 'die', 'death', and most bizarrely ‘put me back on the dump or you’ll regret it’ (front and back of toast used). Our neighbour Walter Peek can verify this as he was there each time it happened. We were distraught, we couldn’t sleep and we resorted to grilling all of our toast (much to your disgust I’m sure).
I’ll finally get to the point of me writing to you. Could you answer the followings questions-Is there a history of haunted toasters in your company? Are there any recorded records of a toaster that has threatened its owners? Is this sort of behaviour built into all of your products?
Yours sincerely,
John J Marley |
